The Onion does it again

I know my 3 readers (or is it 4 now? I can't keep track of these things) are totally into podcasting--have 8+ subscriptions, load them all up on their iPods once, sometimes twice a day and try to listen to them all but keep wondering who has the time? (Answer: people who are too geeky to function. Just listen to the radio like a normal person. Or at least like one who hasn't had it stolen out of their car 5 times.)

Well, wonder no more. Those 8+ podcasts suck. Unless they're from Slate, in which case they're ok, because that's how I found out that The Onion has podcasts. Not only are they better than, like, every other podcast (I mean, think how geeky do you have to be to go beyond just listening to them to actually producing and distributing them? These are not people worth listening to.), but each one is less than a minute long. Which is kind of a bummer until you realize that you don't even need to download the damned thing--everyday, when you have a minute, just find them in the iTunes music store and have a listen and then go on with your day, knowing you're thinking of something at least as irrelevant, but far funnier than whatever it is your coworkers think about.

Today's podcast: Area Man Breaks Out Dating Boxers.

41-38

Oh yeah, this is what losing feels like. Been awhile. I've gotta hand it to the Longhorns, though, they played a great game, and deserved the win. It hurts, but I've kind of been expecting it ever since the Notre Dame game--that one was just too close for comfort.

And on the bright side, I might have a date for Saturday.

Memoirs of a Bridesmaid

Day 1: December 28, 2005

12:30 a.m. Finished packing and went to bed.

4:45 a.m. Alarm goes off.

5:00 a.m. Supposed to get up. Failed.

5:30 a.m. Actually get up.

7:15 a.m. Picked up by Andrew Long, the best man. Start the six-hour drive to Phoenix, passing the time listening to David Sedaris readings (my contribution) and MXPX and Johnny Cash cds (Andrew's contribution... have since downloaded both on iTunes) Also told life stories, etc. etc.

2:30 p.m. Pick up Mike Wiser at Sky Harbor; head to tux shop.

3:00 p.m. Arrive at tux shop.

3:10 p.m. Get bored with tux shop; wander over to used book store.

3:30 p.m. Pulled out of used book store, but not before purchasing more books to add to my pile of 'I should read these someday' books.

4:00 p.m. Arrive at resort.

5:30 p.m. Bridesmaids and groomsmen go their separate ways for dinner; the men to a steakhouse, the girls to a bar/restaurant in Tempe.

8:15 p.m. Girls finish dinner and head to bowling alley to meet boys.

9:15 p.m. Boys finally show up at bowling alley. All the girls berate them for being late and then go back to the resort cuz they're tired. Except for me and Shannon.

11:15 p.m. Finish two games of bowling (scored over 100 both times, sweet!), head back to the resort and to bed.

Day 2: December 29, 2005

10:00 a.m. Wake up, catch a ride to the beauty salon for a mani/pedi.

12:30 p.m. Mani/pedi over; walk up the street to Walgreens to get cash for tip as well as sustenance cuz I’m damned if I’m going to pay for over-priced hotel food for every meal. So I buy Pringles, Tostitos, Donettes and M&Ms for my breakfast and lunch for the remainder of my stay.

1:00 p.m. Trudge half a mile back to the resort carrying my heavier-than-planned-for snack food.

1:30 p.m. Arrive back at room; veg in room until rehearsal dinner.

3:00 p.m. Brendan and Becky arrive with a wealth of beer, wine, hard liquor, mixers and ice, all of which is thrown into our bathtub together so it’ll be cold for our rehearsal dinner preparty.

4:00 p.m. Wedding rehearsal. Giggle throughout.

4:30 p.m. Finish rehearsal and head back to room to partake of massive volumes of alcohol.

6:20 p.m. Realize we were supposed to leave for the rehearsal dinner 20 minutes ago.

6:35 p.m. Arrive at restaurant for rehearsal dinner.

7:45 p.m. Victoria, Kristy and I decide it’s a good idea to take pictures of random restaurant patrons wearing Kristy’s boyfriend’s new cowboy hat. Accost no less than 6 people, including a member of the waitstaff.

8:30 p.m. Dinner winds down and we walk back to the room, after having made plans to meet up at the hot tub.

8:45 p.m. We realize not everyone brought swimsuits.

9:00 p.m. Head to the hot tub anyway.

9:10 p.m. Lisa goes skinny dipping. So begins her reputation as ‘the naked girl.’

9:40 p.m. Not to be outdone, Shannon and I go topless.

9:42 p.m. We try to get some of the boys on the nakedness bandwagon. We are successful with 33% of them. Out of 3.

10ish p.m. While details are fuzzy, it seems we put our clothes back on and went back to the room, where someone emptied the bathtub of alcohol and everyone else passed out.

Wedding Day: December 30, 2005

7:30 a.m. Alarm goes off. Mmmph.

8:00 a.m. Get up. Grrrr.

8:05 a.m. Shit, there’s still ice in the shower from yesterday.

8:30 a.m. Call Becky and tell her that I cannot possibly get to beauty salon if I have to walk and beg to be picked up.

8:35 a.m. Walk to main lobby to meet Becky. Wish desperately that I owned sunglasses.

9:10 a.m. Get talked into getting an up-do by my hair stylist. In weakened state, am unable argue.

9:45 a.m. Walk back to hotel. Still hung over, but with fancy hair.

10:00 a.m. Arrive in hotel restaurant, attack waitress and demand breakfast potatoes, corn beef hash, eggs with cheese, water, coffee, and a Bloody Mary.

10:30 a.m. Order another Bloody Mary.

11:00 a.m. Ah… much better.

12:00 p.m. After hanging out with some of the guys for awhile, decide to finally head back to the room and start getting ready for the wedding photos at 2.

12:30 p.m. Arrive at bridal ready-room, begin frantically doing makeup, getting wrinkles out of dress, and telling each other how cute we all look.

2:00 p.m. Wedding planner picks us up and drives us to photo site.

2:15 p.m. Get tired of posing.

2:25 p.m. Get tired of maintaining good posture.

2:30 p.m. Get tired of smiling. And I’ll hold my bouquet wherever I damn well please, thank you.

3:15 p.m. Taken back to bridal ready-room to hang out until ceremony begins.

4:00 p.m. Picked up for ceremony, omigod!

4:05 p.m. Are lining up for ceremony, omigod omigod!

4:10 p.m. Ceremony’s starting, omigod omigod!

4:15 p.m. And there’s Becky coming down the aisle… awww.

4:25 p.m. They’re doing a sand mingling ceremony… awww.

4.26 p.m. There isn’t enough room for all the sand in the mingling jar. Tee hee.

4:30 p.m. They’re kissing… awww!

4:35 p.m. Wedding’s over!

4:37 p.m. So… can we drink yet?

4:38 p.m. How ‘bout now?

4:40 p.m. Ooh, waiters with appetizer trays. Score.

4:42 p.m. Start taking our own group shots, interspersed with munching on quiches or chicken on a stick.

5:00 p.m. Full of appetizers.

5:05 p.m. No really, what does a girl have to do to get a drink around here?

5:06 p.m. According to the wedding planner, go into the reception area and order it.

Oh. Ok.

5:10 p.m. Ah, vodka-cranberry.

5:20 p.m. Seriously, how long do sunset bridal pictures take?! Let’s start this thing!

5:35 p.m. Are lining up to march into the reception to Tribute to Troy. Awesome!

5:36 p.m. Da-da-da da da da da dum da-da...

5:37 p.m. BEAT! THE LONGHORNS!

5:50 p.m. Toast!

6:30 p.m. Mmmm… prime rib…

7:00 p.m. They’ve started all the dances. Awww.

7:10 p.m. The bride and groom’s first dance! *Sniffle*

7:15 p.m. Lots of dancing, etc. etc.

7:30 p.m. Incorporate the cowboy hat: form dance circles around whoever’s wearing the hat. First victim: Mike Wiser.

8:15 p.m. Cake!

9:30 p.m. Are they actually kicking us out at nine-freakin’-thirty?!

9:35 p.m. Good thing we can all reconvene at the hot tub.

10:00 p.m. Arrive back in room with a dozen bottles of unopened wine from the reception.

10:05 p.m. Take half of the aforementioned bottles with us to the hot tub.

10:10 p.m. More people showed up tonight (Lisa did not disappoint them)--some of us move into the 85 degree pool.

10:30 p.m. Chicken fights. Kristy and Eddie are an unbeatable combination until Mike Wiser and I get through with them.

10:45 p.m. Play Marco Polo until someone’s caught who doesn’t want to be It.

10:55 p.m. Brendan and Becky leave to go to the honeymoon suite. There is much cheering.

11:00 p.m. The hotel employee who came to kick us out ended up taking drink orders instead. Said we could stay if we remained quiet.

11:05 p.m. Brendan reappears; I scream ‘WHY AREN’T YOU FUCKING?!’ at the top of my lungs. Am shushed. Turns out Brendan left the room key by the hot tub.

11:45 p.m. Party winds down and people start leaving; I walk, dripping, into the lobby to demand a golf cart to take me back to my room.

12:00 a.m. Take a shower, then pass out.

New Year’s Eve: December 31, 2005

7:30 a.m. Wake up.

7:40 a.m. Still awake.

7:50 a.m. Still awake.

8:30 a.m. Why the fuck can’t I sleep?!

8:45 a.m. Give up, get dressed, grab a book and walk to the restaurant for breakfast. In front, run into Brendan and Becky, who also apparently woke up at an absurdly early hour. Meet Kristy in the restaurant as well, also with a book.

9:15 a.m. Sean shows up.

9:35 a.m. Dane and David show up.

9:40 a.m. Head back to room and run into Victoria, Shannon and Theresa. Guess everyone’s up early.

9:50 a.m. No one in my room, though. Go back to sleep.

11:15 a.m. Everyone in my room wakes up.

12:00 p.m. They all head to the restaurant for lunch. I go back to sleep.

1:15 p.m. They come back. I wake up and get cranky.

3:00 p.m. Decide it’s finally time to get out of bed again. Shower and get ready for In N Out run.

4:30 p.m. Play Taboo. Lose.

5:30 p.m. Decide we have everyone who’s going to go and leave for In N Out.

5:45 p.m. Are we there yet?

6:10 p.m. Arrive at In N Out.

6:25 p.m. Mmmm… burgers…

7:15 p.m. Head back to the resort with a stop at Becky’s parents’ house. Miscellaneous planning madness for that night’s expedition up Silly Mountain ensues.

8:30 p.m. Still with the miscellaneous planning madness.

9:10 p.m. Arrive at Silly Mountain.

9:15 p.m. Unload cars and start walking up Silly Mountain.

9:30 p.m. Get tired and declare the line of boulders halfway up the moderately-inclined hill to be the summit of Silly Mountain.

9:35 p.m. Beer.

9:40 p.m. Sit around gossiping and enjoying the view. Note a couple of towers off in the distance that we guess to be about 100 miles away.

10:00 p.m. Watch the ball drop on Brendan’s 5” black and white portable TV. Happy New Year!

10:01 p.m. We all yell Happy New Year at Shannon’s cell phone.

10:01 p.m. We all yell Happy New Year at Brendan’s cell phone.

10:02 p.m. We all yell Happy New Year at Shannon’s cell phone, twice.

10:03 p.m. We all yell Happy New Year at Shannon’s cell phone.

10:05 p.m. We all yell Happy New Year at Shannon’s cell phone, making it clear that that’s the last time.

10:10 p.m. More beer.

10:30 p.m. Brendan sets up his camera.

10:45 p.m. A car pulls up and someone starts walking up the path. There is much nervous speculation until we ascertain that it’s Becky’s brother. Whom we should have known to expect around that time.

10:50 p.m. More beer.

11:45 p.m. Another car pulls up that we didn’t expect. We think we see lights moving around and can’t decide if it’s a cop, a car thief, or just a couple of people fucking. Send some of the boys down to check it out.

11:50 p.m. If it’s a car thief, wonder if they’ll try to kill the guys.

11:51 p.m. Or if we’ll be able to hear the gunshots.

11:55 p.m. Guys return. Tell us they disturbed a couple people fucking.

11:59 p.m. Countdown!

12:00 a.m. HAPPY NEW YEAR!

'Tis the season

...for company Christmas parties!


To do:

1. Sip your wine like a lady.

2. Make sure you're dressed appropriately. Show off that new red top you just bought... it's not lowcut, it's flattering.

3. Greet your coworkers with a smile and a salutation. Something cheesy like "Happy Holidays!", cliche though it is, is acceptable.

4. Mingle, and spend a little time talking to everyone, especially those you don't see around the office too often.

5. Collect drink tickets. (Cannot believe this isn't open bar...)

6. For dinner, sample a little bit of everything to really develop your palate.

7. Enjoy the card trick guy's act.

8. Politely excuse yourself when you need to use the ladies'.

9. Listen politely during the company owner's speech.

10. At the end of the evening, bid goodnight to your fellow coworkers.


To regret the morning after:

1. Failure to refrain from grandiose hand gestures while holding a full glass of wine.

2. Err in judgment on the line that divides 'lowcut' from 'flattering,' and the newly-developed weird grins and poor eye contact from Ted down the hall.

3. In a drunken attempt to not be cliche, started greeting everyone with "Rowr" and the occasional "Me-yow."

4. Spent most of the night in a heated argument about the relative benefits of comb vs. spiral binding with that guy from that department that... actually, come to think of it, he might've been one of the waiters.

5. Used all the collected drink tickets.

6. Ate half of someone else's dinner after failing to notice that own plate got knocked off the table.

7. While the card trick guy was doing his act, started chanting "bullshit... bullshit..."

8. Wandered into the men's bathroom; mistook urinal for purseholder.

9. Heckled the company owner during his speech.

10. Last one to be forcefully ejected from the restaurant, and unsuccessful in finding out if there was an afterparty despite asking incessantly during the last half hour.

How Working on the Client Side Can Jump-Start Your Career

A job with an established manufacturing or retail company is an excellent way to start your climb to the top! In such an organization, there will be set infrastructures and processes to provide you support and education as you take those first uncertain steps along your career path. Sure, the learning curve is steep, but as soon as you learn how it's always been done, and that breaking from tradition is frowned upon, you'll have no problem navigating your new "office space."

One of the most important lessons to learn is that of responsibility. You'll be informed, regularly, possibly even daily, of how your job (or potential loss thereof) contributes to the bottom line. If you're in marketing, you might be responsible for managing communication with an ad agency to generate effective marketing materials. This means you can boss them around and make them say "How high?" every time you say "Jump." Every time! But remember that responsibility can be taken lightly or not at all; one of the benefits of the many-tiered bureaucracy of which you are now a part is what's known as "passing the buck." Should you ever be accused of any sort of wrongdoing, simply blame your boss, or the ad agency, or the drugs. You'll get nothing more than a slap on the wrist, guar-an-teed!

And let's not forget the wide world of office politics! Staying late to work on a presentation for the VP is almost as important as making sure Susie's presentation deck includes a picture or two of her making out with the copy boy at the Christmas party. That's called getting an edge on the competition. And Mark, in accounting, who cut your budget last year? An anonymous tip about some illicit internet videos that mysteriously appeared on his hard drive should do the trick. It's all part of playing the game. A rumor here, an "accidental" reply-all email there, and now you're playing to win!

In sum, working at a large company is a great way to start learning the skills you need for a successful career. The 9-to-5, the water cooler, and the Casual Friday are all a part of moving on to that next life stage. Good luck!

My new favorite holiday

I have to admit, while growing up, Thanksgiving always paled in comparison with Christmas. Thanksgiving signified hand outlines that were forced into looking like turkeys, or dressing up like pilgrims and trying to navigate the historical difference between the Mayflower and Nina, the Pinta and the Santa Maria (FYI: of course I know now that Columbus discovered the New World on the Mayflower. That's how he met Pocahontas. Duh.) At best, it meant four days off, and at worst, it meant I had to spend those four days studying (or at least telling people I was studying) for all the finals that stood in the way of me and two whole weeks off for Christmas.

It's kind of inevitable that Thanksgiving always got overlooked. It didn't really convey much benefit beyond those four days and the vague promise of turkey and stuffing, which usually got lost in the shuffle of the family vacations we always took for that weekend. But Christmas, now: two weeks off from school, one of them spent skiing, the other devoted to enjoying all the new stuff we got for Christmas, or anticipating that enjoyment. And Christmas itself, and all the trappings: the decorations, the family traditions, the egg nog, and all the family that came over to enjoy the turkey and stuffing that my mom always cooked at Christmas (and she's no slouch of a cook, I look forward to that meal all year).

But how our priorities change. That meager four days off for Turkey Day is the longest vacation I've had in months, and is all the more remarkable in that I don't have to use any of my vacation time from work. My parents don't always leave town anymore, and so I got my fill of homemade turkey and stuffing (and gravy) yesterday. Plus it was my dad's birthday, and as much as I love pumpkin pie, I won't even give it the time of day if there's cake to be had. (Then again, it's hard to really enjoy your cake when you're that full of the aforementioned turkey and stuffing.) All this followed by three glorious days of nothing. Most weekends aren't much of a source of rest or relaxation because I spend Saturday still being stressed about Friday and then spend Sunday stressing out over Monday. But this weekend, I can devote an entire day to lying on a couch (today) and another day to doing something slightly more active (tomorrow) and then decide which of the two I like better (lying on a couch) and do that Sunday. And I'll finish the weekend feeling both productive and rested, whereas normally, the two are mutually exclusive.

Let's compare this with what Christmas is going to look like. I'll get the Monday after Christmas off, so I'll have a three-day weekend, but Saturday will be spent (let's face it) frantically buying and wrapping presents for people, Sunday will be Christmas Day and kind of interesting in that it'll be the first Christmas where I don't wake up in the same house as the rest of my family (we have a whole tradition centered around waking up, having egg nog/hot cocoa/hot cider together while we open our stockings, then breakfast, then opening presents... I imagine it'll lose something if I have to make a point to show up at a given time, wearing street clothes vs everyone else in PJs). Monday will likely be spent on my couch in a food coma, stressing out about how much work I'll have to get done on Tuesday given that I'll be taking the rest of the week off to head to Phoenix for a wedding. I'm starting to see why some people find the holidays to be so depressing.

Verdict: Turkey rules, Santa drools.

More wallowing in 'Yay me'-ness

(because if you can't do it on your own blog, where can you?)


1. The company owner and president was not supposed to announce my promotion Friday. I guess he was just too excited for me and couldn't hold back.

2. New official title will be Account Executive. This rocks. Here's why: in the post where I talk about my initial interview (and bet myself I can get promoted in 4 months), the CFO said that one could expect to be promoted to Assistant Account Executive after 6 months. I get to skip a grade! (again--gotta love us RHPers)

3. My raise is proportionate to the number of rungs I'm climbing. Am very excited that my income is starting to exit the 'paying my dues' bracket.

...that being said, it is now past midnight and I'm still working on a client-requested presentation. I did take some time out to go to chorus rehearsal and stop at the market to get myself carrots for the anticipated stress munching, but still. 12-hour+ days suck.

...that being said, I'm totally billing the time I took to write this post to the client.