RIP laptop

I always knew this day would come... I just didn't think it would be this soon.

About a month ago, my laptop bit the dust. I don't know if I got one too many blue screens of death--I've gotten a lot of those, actually--or if it simply got bored with doing nothing but surfing the internet (I do actual work only when I'm at work, usually, and the few things I did bring home were even duller than whatever it was I was reading online. Trust me.), but at long last my laptop decided to stage a protest and simply stopped turning on. As it happens, this is remarkably effective at getting my attention, though not so effective that I was motivated to do anything about it until last week. (Because, after all, all I really do with it is surf the internet, and since I can do that at work, the only real effect of losing internet access at home has been falling a little behind on current events and requiring driving directions from my friends, because I can't map anything online anymore. I will also blame it for the dearth of posts here over the preceding month, but we all know that's a lie.) And per the feedback of an engineer at work, it doesn't look like it's worth investing in fixing the problem, which uncertain success, when I could be investing in a shiny new laptop that will turn on. (Hopefully.)

So now, birthday money in hand (I had to turn 24 to get it...it wasn't pretty), I am in the market for said shiny new laptop. And am suddenly stunned by how little I know about laptops. What's the hot new Intel processor? Should I care if it's Windows Vista-compatible? What's the new standard for hard drive space? RAM? Battery life? Weight? Screen size? Built-in wireless? Do any of these questions really matter given that all I really do with my laptop is surf the internet? Are there other things I could potentially use it for if I got a heavily feature-laden laptop? Is there one that makes chai tea lattes from Coffee Bean appear? Will it fold my laundry? I demand the best there is (particularly if it makes chai tea lattes from Coffee Bean appear or folds my laundry), despite the fact that my use of those additional features will likely be limited. I no longer need the complete MS Office Suite, as there's little need for me to do PowerPoint presentations anymore. (Thank God.) I don't really need much memory or RAM, as I'm not a gamer and don't even own a digital camera which pictures I'd want to store and organize. I suppose I'd like to watch DVDs on it when I travel, but from what I understand, no laptops yet really have the battery power to undertake that for the duration of a cross-country flight. And I hate travelling with laptops anyway: everyone glares at the guy who takes extra long going through security because they require you to take your laptop out of its case and run it through separately. (By the way, can someone suggest to airports that they make those conveyor belts longer so you don't have 5 people struggling with 10 bags in the space of a 6 foot-long table, everyone behind them wondering why on earth they didn't prepare for the conveyor belt sooner. Until they actually get there and realize that there's nowhere to put your effing stuff! Argh.)

My point is, while I realize it's silly of me to spend money on features that I'll probably use for about 5 minutes during the duration of my ownership of the laptop (those 5 minutes being the entirety of my attention span the moment I discover said feature and think it's cool...and 5 minutes might be overstating it), I'll do it anyway because I think that I may potentially find them to be of use in the future. It's the same reason I won't give away clothes that no longer fit, or simply can't be seen wearing in public: I refuse to believe that there will not be a day when I can wear them again, and on that day, if I've already given them away, my reaction will look something like "You stupid bitch! What's wrong with you, you totally knew you'd be able to wear that again and look totally cute and now look what you've done! Well, I guess this means you have to go shopping. Again. Don't drink beforehand this time."

See, I just know that if I don't get the Core Duo processor (whatever the hell that does...it sounds fancy), then there will be a day a year from now when I need to do something that can only be done with a Core Duo processor, or I could do something slightly faster if I had the Core Duo processor, or my laptop would still be working despite the beer I spilled on it if only I'd gotten the Core Duo processor. See, I'm thinking ahead to the angst that I will avoid by knowing that I did everything in my power to get a top-of-the-line laptop, because if you get a top-of-the-line laptop, and something goes wrong, then clearly God has it in for you and there was never anything that could be done except resign yourself to your fate. I'm buying a coping strategy, people.

So, uh, any suggestions?