Monday, July 21, 2008

What are you typing into Google? Round 2:

Looking through keyword lists to anecdotally assess overall quality or even just to find bad keywords that need to be filtered out (I can't believe some of this stuff actually goes live) is something I do on a regular basis. And on a regular basis, I come across keywords that educate, amuse, baffle, and disgust me (sadly, most of them are in that last group). But those of the amusement- and bafflement-inducing variety are the silver lining, and you lucky folks have the opportunity to take the good without the bad.

Well, mostly. After my last post about this, Google has indexed my site as being relevant to some rather distasteful queries; namely, any and all misspellings of the word 'vagina'. (I have yet to see any traffic on the correctly-spelled version, which I suppose is just as well.) I find that these have their own brand of comedy:

The Vigina Search Logs:
  • very small viginas
  • very large viginas
  • big brests and big pences and viginas (the one that started it all... thank you, Tom)
  • picture of vijinas
  • big brests (no, it's not vigina-related, but I find it funny nonetheless)
  • nice viginas video (this one has actually shown up twice, and I just keep wondering: are videos of vaginas being nice and polite just very hard to come by?)
A few other recent queries from searchers who must have been very disappointed in what they found when they came to this site:

Better luck next time:
  • bridesmaid cowboy hat
  • post-mortem scrabble
  • adrienne's pantyhose (sorry, but those haven't been a part of my wardrobe for a loooong time)
  • where to buy a real lightsaber
  • Bags of Water Really Repel Flies (I've gotten 3 separate clicks on this query from Ask.com, which clearly needs to put some work into its search algorithm)
  • typing google into google

And my favorites: the ones that our company actually (inadvertently) purchased ad space on. Here are a few that were recently brought to my attention when an alert employee noticed that we were paying for clicks on the keyword 'pantie wearing woman.' After sorting through a list of eleven thousand keywords containing the substring 'pantie,' and finding no less than 3,500 that were completely unrelated to the retail business (and losing faith in the decency of men everywhere in the process), I found a few that were funny enough to keep me going:

The Pantie Raid:
  • grumpy bear panties
  • bowling with no panties
  • precision interface panties
  • lame panties
  • future mrs panties
  • lady in black bra and panties with a dog
  • panties hats
  • panties gone wild

And finally: the random shit that people type into search engines never ceases to amaze. The following keywords were all entered into Google or our own website search box at least twice and I found them while scanning some of the output files. It's probably clear that I didn't really make it past the letter d while looking through this (there are two million keywords in each of these files, people), so I'll just list them in alphabetical order here.

Help me, Google, I'm looking for:
  • 6 ft animated jason voorhees
  • a favor for frank
  • a new way of thinking
  • a picture of an mp4
  • a rocket in my pocket
  • a sight for sore eyes
  • a soft place to fall
  • a trapezoid
  • a tribute to the king elvis
  • bad stuff
  • bong building supplies
  • build your own bedroom vanity
  • build your own english pub bar
  • build yourself a micro wind generator
  • building crappie beds
  • can a whitening pen work on dentures
  • can't breathe
  • can't stop the bum rush
  • cheapper than dirt
  • crazy light up socks
  • dominican guys
  • draw a picture of a turkey
  • find things in picture
  • one child per laptop
  • robo hamsters

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