Sunday, January 22, 2006

The Onion does it again

I know my 3 readers (or is it 4 now? I can't keep track of these things) are totally into podcasting--have 8+ subscriptions, load them all up on their iPods once, sometimes twice a day and try to listen to them all but keep wondering who has the time? (Answer: people who are too geeky to function. Just listen to the radio like a normal person. Or at least like one who hasn't had it stolen out of their car 5 times.)

Well, wonder no more. Those 8+ podcasts suck. Unless they're from Slate, in which case they're ok, because that's how I found out that The Onion has podcasts. Not only are they better than, like, every other podcast (I mean, think how geeky do you have to be to go beyond just listening to them to actually producing and distributing them? These are not people worth listening to.), but each one is less than a minute long. Which is kind of a bummer until you realize that you don't even need to download the damned thing--everyday, when you have a minute, just find them in the iTunes music store and have a listen and then go on with your day, knowing you're thinking of something at least as irrelevant, but far funnier than whatever it is your coworkers think about.

Today's podcast: Area Man Breaks Out Dating Boxers.

Wednesday, January 04, 2006


Oh yeah, this is what losing feels like. Been awhile. I've gotta hand it to the Longhorns, though, they played a great game, and deserved the win. It hurts, but I've kind of been expecting it ever since the Notre Dame game--that one was just too close for comfort.

And on the bright side, I might have a date for Saturday.

Monday, January 02, 2006

Memoirs of a Bridesmaid

Day 1: December 28, 2005

12:30 a.m. Finished packing and went to bed.

4:45 a.m. Alarm goes off.

5:00 a.m. Supposed to get up. Failed.

5:30 a.m. Actually get up.

7:15 a.m. Picked up by Andrew Long, the best man. Start the six-hour drive to Phoenix, passing the time listening to David Sedaris readings (my contribution) and MXPX and Johnny Cash cds (Andrew's contribution... have since downloaded both on iTunes) Also told life stories, etc. etc.

2:30 p.m. Pick up Mike Wiser at Sky Harbor; head to tux shop.

3:00 p.m. Arrive at tux shop.

3:10 p.m. Get bored with tux shop; wander over to used book store.

3:30 p.m. Pulled out of used book store, but not before purchasing more books to add to my pile of 'I should read these someday' books.

4:00 p.m. Arrive at resort.

5:30 p.m. Bridesmaids and groomsmen go their separate ways for dinner; the men to a steakhouse, the girls to a bar/restaurant in Tempe.

8:15 p.m. Girls finish dinner and head to bowling alley to meet boys.

9:15 p.m. Boys finally show up at bowling alley. All the girls berate them for being late and then go back to the resort cuz they're tired. Except for me and Shannon.

11:15 p.m. Finish two games of bowling (scored over 100 both times, sweet!), head back to the resort and to bed.

Day 2:
December 29, 2005

10:00 a.m. Wake up, catch a ride to the beauty salon for a mani/pedi.

12:30 p.m. Mani/pedi over; walk up the street to Walgreens to get cash for tip as well as sustenance cuz I’m damned if I’m going to pay for over-priced hotel food for every meal. So I buy Pringles, Tostitos, Donettes and M&Ms for my breakfast and lunch for the remainder of my stay.

1:00 p.m. Trudge half a mile back to the resort carrying my heavier-than-planned-for snack food.

1:30 p.m. Arrive back at room; veg in room until rehearsal dinner.

3:00 p.m. Brendan and Becky arrive with a wealth of beer, wine, hard liquor, mixers and ice, all of which is thrown into our bathtub together so it’ll be cold for our rehearsal dinner preparty.

4:00 p.m. Wedding rehearsal. Giggle throughout.

4:30 p.m. Finish rehearsal and head back to room to partake of massive volumes of alcohol.

6:20 p.m. Realize we were supposed to leave for the rehearsal dinner 20 minutes ago.

6:35 p.m. Arrive at restaurant for rehearsal dinner.

7:45 p.m. Victoria, Kristy and I decide it’s a good idea to take pictures of random restaurant patrons wearing Kristy’s boyfriend’s new cowboy hat. Accost no less than 6 people, including a member of the waitstaff.

8:30 p.m. Dinner winds down and we walk back to the room, after having made plans to meet up at the hot tub.

8:45 p.m. We realize not everyone brought swimsuits.

9:00 p.m. Head to the hot tub anyway.

9:10 p.m. Lisa goes skinny dipping. So begins her reputation as ‘the naked girl.’

9:40 p.m. Not to be outdone, Shannon and I go topless.

9:42 p.m. We try to get some of the boys on the nakedness bandwagon. We are successful with 33% of them. Out of 3.

10ish p.m. While details are fuzzy, it seems we put our clothes back on and went back to the room, where someone emptied the bathtub of alcohol and everyone else passed out.

Wedding Day:
December 30, 2005

7:30 a.m. Alarm goes off. Mmmph.

8:00 a.m. Get up. Grrrr.

8:05 a.m. Shit, there’s still ice in the shower from yesterday.

8:30 a.m. Call Becky and tell her that I cannot possibly get to beauty salon if I have to walk and beg to be picked up.

8:35 a.m. Walk to main lobby to meet Becky. Wish desperately that I owned sunglasses.

9:10 a.m. Get talked into getting an up-do by my hair stylist. In weakened state, am unable argue.

9:45 a.m. Walk back to hotel. Still hung over, but with fancy hair.

10:00 a.m. Arrive in hotel restaurant, attack waitress and demand breakfast potatoes, corn beef hash, eggs with cheese, water, coffee, and a Bloody Mary.

10:30 a.m. Order another Bloody Mary.

11:00 a.m. Ah… much better.

12:00 p.m. After hanging out with some of the guys for awhile, decide to finally head back to the room and start getting ready for the wedding photos at 2.

12:30 p.m. Arrive at bridal ready-room, begin frantically doing makeup, getting wrinkles out of dress, and telling each other how cute we all look.

2:00 p.m. Wedding planner picks us up and drives us to photo site.

2:15 p.m. Get tired of posing.

2:25 p.m. Get tired of maintaining good posture.

2:30 p.m. Get tired of smiling. And I’ll hold my bouquet wherever I damn well please, thank you.

3:15 p.m. Taken back to bridal ready-room to hang out until ceremony begins.

4:00 p.m. Picked up for ceremony, omigod!

4:05 p.m. Are lining up for ceremony, omigod omigod!

4:10 p.m. Ceremony’s starting, omigod omigod!

4:15 p.m. And there’s Becky coming down the aisle… awww.

4:25 p.m. They’re doing a sand mingling ceremony… awww.

4.26 p.m. There isn’t enough room for all the sand in the mingling jar. Tee hee.

4:30 p.m. They’re kissing… awww!

4:35 p.m. Wedding’s over!

4:37 p.m. So… can we drink yet?

4:38 p.m. How ‘bout now?

4:40 p.m. Ooh, waiters with appetizer trays. Score.

4:42 p.m. Start taking our own group shots, interspersed with munching on quiches or chicken on a stick.

5:00 p.m. Full of appetizers.

5:05 p.m. No really, what does a girl have to do to get a drink around here?

5:06 p.m. According to the wedding planner, go into the reception area and order it.

Oh. Ok.

5:10 p.m. Ah, vodka-cranberry.

5:20 p.m. Seriously, how long do sunset bridal pictures take?! Let’s start this thing!

5:35 p.m. Are lining up to march into the reception to Tribute to Troy. Awesome!

5:36 p.m. Da-da-da da da da da dum da-da...


5:50 p.m. Toast!

6:30 p.m. Mmmm… prime rib…

7:00 p.m. They’ve started all the dances. Awww.

7:10 p.m. The bride and groom’s first dance! *Sniffle*

7:15 p.m. Lots of dancing, etc. etc.

7:30 p.m. Incorporate the cowboy hat: form dance circles around whoever’s wearing the hat. First victim: Mike Wiser.

8:15 p.m. Cake!

9:30 p.m. Are they actually kicking us out at nine-freakin’-thirty?!

9:35 p.m. Good thing we can all reconvene at the hot tub.

10:00 p.m. Arrive back in room with a dozen bottles of unopened wine from the reception.

10:05 p.m. Take half of the aforementioned bottles with us to the hot tub.

10:10 p.m. More people showed up tonight (Lisa did not disappoint them)--some of us move into the 85 degree pool.

10:30 p.m. Chicken fights. Kristy and Eddie are an unbeatable combination until Mike Wiser and I get through with them.

10:45 p.m. Play Marco Polo until someone’s caught who doesn’t want to be It.

10:55 p.m. Brendan and Becky leave to go to the honeymoon suite. There is much cheering.

11:00 p.m. The hotel employee who came to kick us out ended up taking drink orders instead. Said we could stay if we remained quiet.

11:05 p.m. Brendan reappears; I scream ‘WHY AREN’T YOU FUCKING?!’ at the top of my lungs. Am shushed. Turns out Brendan left the room key by the hot tub.

11:45 p.m. Party winds down and people start leaving; I walk, dripping, into the lobby to demand a golf cart to take me back to my room.

12:00 a.m. Take a shower, then pass out.

New Year’s Eve: December 31, 2005

7:30 a.m. Wake up.

7:40 a.m. Still awake.

7:50 a.m. Still awake.

8:30 a.m. Why the fuck can’t I sleep?!

8:45 a.m. Give up, get dressed, grab a book and walk to the restaurant for breakfast. In front, run into Brendan and Becky, who also apparently woke up at an absurdly early hour. Meet Kristy in the restaurant as well, also with a book.

9:15 a.m. Sean shows up.

9:35 a.m. Dane and David show up.

9:40 a.m. Head back to room and run into Victoria, Shannon and Theresa. Guess everyone’s up early.

9:50 a.m. No one in my room, though. Go back to sleep.

11:15 a.m. Everyone in my room wakes up.

12:00 p.m. They all head to the restaurant for lunch. I go back to sleep.

1:15 p.m. They come back. I wake up and get cranky.

3:00 p.m. Decide it’s finally time to get out of bed again. Shower and get ready for In N Out run.

4:30 p.m. Play Taboo. Lose.

5:30 p.m. Decide we have everyone who’s going to go and leave for In N Out.

5:45 p.m. Are we there yet?

6:10 p.m. Arrive at In N Out.

6:25 p.m. Mmmm… burgers…

7:15 p.m. Head back to the resort with a stop at Becky’s parents’ house. Miscellaneous planning madness for that night’s expedition up Silly Mountain ensues.

8:30 p.m. Still with the miscellaneous planning madness.

9:10 p.m. Arrive at Silly Mountain.

9:15 p.m. Unload cars and start walking up Silly Mountain.

9:30 p.m. Get tired and declare the line of boulders halfway up the moderately-inclined hill to be the summit of Silly Mountain.

9:35 p.m. Beer.

9:40 p.m. Sit around gossiping and enjoying the view. Note a couple of towers off in the distance that we guess to be about 100 miles away.

10:00 p.m. Watch the ball drop on Brendan’s 5” black and white portable TV. Happy New Year!

10:01 p.m. We all yell Happy New Year at Shannon’s cell phone.

10:01 p.m. We all yell Happy New Year at Brendan’s cell phone.

10:02 p.m. We all yell Happy New Year at Shannon’s cell phone, twice.

10:03 p.m. We all yell Happy New Year at Shannon’s cell phone.

10:05 p.m. We all yell Happy New Year at Shannon’s cell phone, making it clear that that’s the last time.

10:10 p.m. More beer.

10:30 p.m. Brendan sets up his camera.

10:45 p.m. A car pulls up and someone starts walking up the path. There is much nervous speculation until we ascertain that it’s Becky’s brother. Whom we should have known to expect around that time.

10:50 p.m. More beer.

11:45 p.m. Another car pulls up that we didn’t expect. We think we see lights moving around and can’t decide if it’s a cop, a car thief, or just a couple of people fucking. Send some of the boys down to check it out.

11:50 p.m. If it’s a car thief, wonder if they’ll try to kill the guys.

11:51 p.m. Or if we’ll be able to hear the gunshots.

11:55 p.m. Guys return. Tell us they disturbed a couple people fucking.

11:59 p.m. Countdown!

12:00 a.m. HAPPY NEW YEAR!

Whole27: Seven (Eight?) Months Later

Breakfast this morning was cinnamon rolls. In fairness, I'm sick right now with something resembling that monster flu--hopefully it...