Friday, March 20, 2009

The Beverly Hills Chihuahua Drinking Game

There are some movies out there that are just bad.

There are some movies that make you feel violated just by making you the unwitting viewer of the trailer, be it in the theater before a movie you paid money for or just on the teevee.

There are some movies that inflict such atrocities on you, an innocent victim, and make you so outraged at the film's very existence (never mind that of its trailer--you're a bigger person than the soulless assholes who let that loose upon an unsuspecting public), that you grasp at the straws of humorless jokes in a futile attempt to cope with the degradation of popular culture and general intellect that these films clearly indicate.

There are some people out there who see that, and laugh at it, and add these movies to your Netflix queue just to fuck with you.

Well, we'll see who has the last laugh.

It is this thirst for revenge, and for alcoholic beverages, that led to the epiphany that ANY movie, no matter how abysmal it may be, can be made palatable with the simple addition of arbitrary rules for alcohol consumption while viewing it. And so I bring you The Beverly Hills Chihuahua Drinking Game.

Rule #1: Participants must have a sufficient amount of alcoholic beverage available at all times, such that they can take a drink whenever mandated by subsequent rules.

Rule #2: Whenever a cliche Spanish expression is used (Ay caramba, arriba, yo quiero anything, amigo, etc.) is used, take a drink.

Rule #3: Whenever a character breaks out into song, take a drink.

Rule #4: Whenever a new character is introduced with a totally stereotypical Hispanic accent, take a drink.

Rule #5: Whenever a new character is introduced with a totally stereotypical Hispanic name, take a drink.

Rule #6: Whenever Hispanic culture is grossly misrepresented EVER, take a drink.

Rule #7: Whenever a female character acts like a total idiot and clearly needs some male character to come to her rescue or impart some words of wisdom, take a drink.

Rule #8: Whenever someone learns a lesson, after-school-special style, take a drink.

Rule #9: Whenever someone does NOT learn their lesson, after-school-special style, take a drink.

Rule #10: If at any time a participant finishes their drink, they are obligated to immediately proceed to the kitchen/keg/bar/neighbor's house/nearest wino for a refill, and to take a drink for every incident mentioned above that takes place in their absence upon their return.

Rule #11: There are no penalties for taking a drink when no other rules have prompted such action; after all, you're watching Beverly Hills Chihuahua. We feel any and all drinking that results from exposure to such a travesty of American cinema is completely understandable and justified. (Additionally, you might want to write a letter to your congressman regarding MPAA standards--they certified this film as child-friendly. I'd rather my kids watched Trainspotting.)


DISCLAIMER: I have not actually seen this film as of initial publishing date and cannot ensure that all rules are in fact relevant or will result in the drunken stupor that is necessary to survive the viewing of this film. I am open to suggestions, however, and will make any and all changes I feel necessary in the future to enhance one's viewing experience and take one's mind off the implications of what they are currently seeing, since no one deserves to fully process and understand such a thing. That is why drinking games were invented.

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