Monday, December 19, 2005

'Tis the season

...for company Christmas parties!


To do:

1. Sip your wine like a lady.

2. Make sure you're dressed appropriately. Show off that new red top you just bought... it's not lowcut, it's flattering.

3. Greet your coworkers with a smile and a salutation. Something cheesy like "Happy Holidays!", cliche though it is, is acceptable.

4. Mingle, and spend a little time talking to everyone, especially those you don't see around the office too often.

5. Collect drink tickets. (Cannot believe this isn't open bar...)

6. For dinner, sample a little bit of everything to really develop your palate.

7. Enjoy the card trick guy's act.

8. Politely excuse yourself when you need to use the ladies'.

9. Listen politely during the company owner's speech.

10. At the end of the evening, bid goodnight to your fellow coworkers.


To regret the morning after:

1. Failure to refrain from grandiose hand gestures while holding a full glass of wine.

2. Err in judgment on the line that divides 'lowcut' from 'flattering,' and the newly-developed weird grins and poor eye contact from Ted down the hall.

3. In a drunken attempt to not be cliche, started greeting everyone with "Rowr" and the occasional "Me-yow."

4. Spent most of the night in a heated argument about the relative benefits of comb vs. spiral binding with that guy from that department that... actually, come to think of it, he might've been one of the waiters.

5. Used all the collected drink tickets.

6. Ate half of someone else's dinner after failing to notice that own plate got knocked off the table.

7. While the card trick guy was doing his act, started chanting "bullshit... bullshit..."

8. Wandered into the men's bathroom; mistook urinal for purseholder.

9. Heckled the company owner during his speech.

10. Last one to be forcefully ejected from the restaurant, and unsuccessful in finding out if there was an afterparty despite asking incessantly during the last half hour.

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