Sunday, April 18, 2004

Everyone gets down when it's, uh, sunny

So the weather here in Chicago has been beautiful over the last couple days... better than it has been in LA (booya!), and probably better than it will ever be during the summer because there isn't a trace of humidity. There isn't a cloud in the sky, and the warmth makes you want to move to the park with a hibachi and never return. And it makes me sadder than I have been in awhile.

Maybe it's lots of stuff converging: things aren't going so well with my brother and I'm frustrated that I can't help. I've heard nothing about my summer internship except that I didn't get a position at Apple (would bend over backwards--or forwards, for that matter--to get a job there if my adviser would let me... hate not having any control over this!). So now I'm freaked out that I'm going to get stuck somewhere shitty, like at a certain company for whom we did a client project this past quarter (and I'm not referring to the Navy). I'd rather go deeper into debt working for a company I respected than end up there. Plus I wonder if it would be possible to change tracks entirely and intern in a DDE rather than advertising capacity.

And then there's this lethargy brought on by the warm weather. It reminds me of last summer, which was amazing, and makes me wish I was out doing the things I was then: traveling around with friends, going to new places... and instead I'm stuck here doing course readings and group projects. I like them, but at the same time I start to get that feeling where I'm just killing time, and I abhor that above all else. Then I get depressed when I think of never having that kind of freedom ever again. That was it. It's over. Welcome to the real world. You might have a discretionary income (someday), but you'll only be able to spend it on expensive cars, clothing and furniture, because that most valuable of assets, time, will no longer be yours. Welcome to the 50-hour work week, with only 9 (nonconsecutive) days off per year. It's enough to make someone want to go into academia.

I think the lethargy is a product of frustration: I'm not actually tired, I just wish I was somewhere else. Now that it's warm, I feel like I'm not adequately enjoying it. Like that Calvin and Hobbes where Calvin says:

"Here I am, happy and content.
...but not euphoric.
So now I'm no longer content. I'm unhappy. My day is ruined.
I need to stop thinking while I'm ahead."

There are so many things I want to be doing that ultimately I'm torn by indecision and end up doing nothing and being really unahppy about it. This restlessness is driving me crazy, but I can't figure out which outlet is most appropriate for it, so nothing gets released and I feel worse than I did before.

Ugh. Guess I'll go running.

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