1. Being sick really sucks.
2. It is possible to subsist entirely on Halls cough drops.
3. There’s remarkable variety of flavors available from Halls cough drops.
4. A cough drop lasts about 20 minutes.
5. There’s menthol in cough drops, and menthol is my friend.
6. I’m really fucking sick of cough drops.
7. Not finding whatever the hell is wrong with you on WebMD can be a very stressful experience.
8. Alcohol is a remarkably effective cure-all. Uh, temporarily.
9. After a week of being sick, you really have to go out of your way to get people to keep feeling sorry for you. Established methods:
- Whenever someone asks how you’re doing or if you’re feeling better, mournfully say “Still sick” and attempt to look like the brave but afflicted soul that you are.
- Take advantage of the fact that you can’t stop eating those damned cough drops and make a pile of the wrappers where everyone can see them.
- When people ask for your opinion, look pained and say “It hurts to talk”; this will likely go over much better than the usual “Huh?”