Saturday, October 16, 2004


A couple weeks ago, I somehow managed to earn myself two moving violations at the same time. This takes a special kind of talent. Or, reckless disregard for the law. You pick. Anyway, it was these moving violations that necessitated the trip to Cook County Courthouse detailed in the previous post; apparently, getting ticketed for two violations at the same time means you're just that evil and law enforcement should really throw its weight around to keep you on the law-abiding side of things. I've drawn my own conclusions about the evil/assholishness of police officers that would do this to a moronic brunette speeding around in an old-ass Jeep Cherokee; the only person I'm really a danger to is myself.

Anyway, in case you're ever up a creek and need to meet your moving violations quota, I'll tell you how to manage this incredible feat. First, go to a town where law enforcement has a lot of free time. Small, nice-looking suburban towns where it seems like people get a lot of parking tickets are a good start. Second, choose a much-frequented road where cops are likely to hang out; in particular, look for a place where something is arbitrarily illegal (e.g. no left turns at an intersection where it'd be really nice to be able to turn left) where they'll be given lots of opportunities to enforce stuff. Third, go ahead and break that law, in broad daylight. It feels good to be bad, doesn't it? After capturing their attention, start going really fast, like 21 or so miles over the speed limit (or if you don't feel like living that dangerously, just go 10 over; when they write the ticket, they'll just say it was 21 mph over, thus pushing your offense into the "really bad" category, even though you couldn't possibly have been going that fast given that the road there really sucks and your car has, like, no shocks whatsoever).

So, you've now earned two moving violations simultaneously. What happens now? Well, if you're out-of-state, you have to pay a bond. If you're a poor grad student or something and don't happen to have $75 cash on you, then the police hold on to your license while you follow them to an ATM and then to the police station, where you have to actually pay it (if you're really having a good day, you'll find out upon arrival that the bond is actually $95 because your speed was in the "really bad" category, and you fortunately had the foresight to take out an extra $20 when you were at the ATM just to have a little folding money with you--a little is right!). After standing around for 20 minutes while the lady behind the counter does whatever elaborate exercise is necessary to fill out the bond receipt form, you'll be free to go.

It's as easy as that!

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